I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand