I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
You Might Also Like
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.