I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
ouch
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…