@Dawn_M_: I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don't think it's weird when I have jam in my hair.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: If this Starbucks barista calls me m'lady one more fucking time I'm going to put on my knight's armor and make him my squire.
@JesKeepSwimming: Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.
@LostLettermen: In response to McDonald's pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
@JVarsityCaptain: My ex can't take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!