I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Every BBC series about the universe.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10