For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
cause of death:
autopsy.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman