People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.