[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You Might Also Like
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe