I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
that colleague who touches your screen
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?