[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.