@LorieGZ: I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I'm too excited to wait at home so I'm camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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@iamopeimu: My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me
@ImaFlyontheWall: Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*