@LorieGZ: I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I'm too excited to wait at home so I'm camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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@badbanana: Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
@CommonSavant: Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage. In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
@daemonic3: [walks date home] HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap? ME: I gotta work early HER: I have 2 dogs ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.