I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog