I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.