I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Good morning!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*