Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
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[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I think I’ll stand
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..