I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
You Might Also Like
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
LOOOOOOL
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
fired
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?