@cjwerleman: I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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@JCautomatic: *4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
@Reverend_Scott: ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile. BATMAN: Never. I'd rather let Superman- [wall breaks down] SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY BATMAN: No.
@buck4itt: They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU