If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
You Might Also Like
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
why am I working on Labor Day
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward