@RevReee: I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
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@BillyCorben: They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant -- and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
@noog: Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.
@AnOrangeSNES: "Sir, is this gluten free?" The waiter nods happily "Great," I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, "I'm building a gluten fort!"