I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
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Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’m putting together a team
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’ll be mad as hell!
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.