I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
We all have our pet causes.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me sliding into hell like
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
i will not be silenced
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it