I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
…..pretty much.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
life finds a way
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you