I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
when mom throws a party…
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?