I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
You Might Also Like
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?