I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.