The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
You Might Also Like
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.