I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
this article brought to you by lions
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES