I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Pringles
Happy Febuary everyone!
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!