People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.