I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off