I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
This bar smells like my childhood.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.