@TheTweetOfGod: I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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@BlindChow: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
@Cyd10e: Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death. Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
@WilliamAder: They're not called "butt hole mirrors." They're called "hand mirrors," according to this clerk at Walgreens.
@Matt_The_1st: Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir