@TheTweetOfGod: I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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@BonaFideIntent: Where's the gratification in tearing down another human being? It's much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
@pixelatedboat: "Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem," I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
@PersianCeltic: Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.
@flashember: [to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good