me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I needed a laugh this morning.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
new wife guy just dropped
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
pat pat
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying