*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire