I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead