I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
#SCOTUS one-star review
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco