Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.