I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You Might Also Like
I put the hot in psychotic.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this