I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.