@Phlegmingway: I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn't seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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@conanobrienswyf: How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
@MissAnneBlondie: Coffee so strong, you finish the "to do" list, that you haven't even written yet.
@venkaiceprinces: Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles
@HeyZeus666: Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.