I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Friday
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.