I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver