I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes