I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*