I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
You are what you delete.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.