Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.