I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.