I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
👾👾👾
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face