PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey