*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
See..?
.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.