My Sentiments Exactly
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
bad news gang
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob