Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I occasionally drink every single night.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.