I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.