I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
You Might Also Like
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Buck naked
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses