I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Previously On Persistence 😎
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.