What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine